Sunday, September 21, 2008

people who care.

I ride horses. I have since I was a little girl and I loved it. There is a portion of my heart that is and always will be a cowgirl. In one of my favorite horse movies, Flicka, Katie says the following, “There was once a time when Americans came west to discover their destiny. Today they seem to move around everyway restless and unsettled. But I think they are still looking for the same thing. A place where they can be optimistic about the future. A place that helps them to be who they really want to be. Where they can feel that this life makes sense.”

Okay, but when does this life really ever make sense. I am not sure we will ever find, in this life, a place that makes complete sense. We can go to school and learn all we may, but regardless, we are still human beings with finite brains and imperfections.

Life is not as simple as finding a place where life just makes sense. We have responsibilities, duties, and loads of other things we must do. So the quest for finding a place where life makes sense, falls to the side, while our worldly responsibilities move to the forefront of our minds.

In part I disagree, the quote is indeed beautiful, I believe that we all our trying to be optimistic about our future. But I believe the challenge is not to find that place where we can become who we truly want to be, and where this life makes sense, but rather the challenge is to, make sense of the world and grow to our potential in the situation we are put in too. This challenge, is not only more difficult, but forces us to be optimistic always and try our hardest even when it’s not easy.

Moving to a new place is hard. Leaving the people you know and love is not easy. Leaving the people who truly understand you and best know how to help you is hard, but its part of finding ourselves, in our own time and our own environment. At first, it can be so difficult and seemingly unbearable, but I know that once we will look past ourselves, we will learn of the goodness of people who care. People who may not know you, or your situation, or how to help you, care. It is a beautiful thing that is so rarely found in the hustle and bustle of life. But it is the goodness of people, the way God intended things to be. Us watching out for our brothers and sisters regardless of where they come from or what they look like. Its charity in the most pure form. It truly is the love of Christ.

I have been the recipient of such love. In many forms from many different people. I want to focus on the people who I now consider very close friends. Who 3 weeks ago, barely knew me, more than they know a stranger on the street. There have been a few girls who have entered my life, who do not even realize the positive affect they have had on me. They unknowingly have touched my life, with such Christlike attributes.

While I am difficult and do not admit when I am having a bad day. They do small things, that they don’t realize that really make me see that they care. After knowing me for 3 weeks they care about me and it amazes me. Whether they are forcing me to eat, cause I haven’t in a few days, or tucking me into bed cause I need a nap, they are amazing. They are so sweet to me, and are much more than I deserve. They know me better than they realize because they care for me. They realize if I am having a bad day and quietly show me they care. These simple acts they unknowingly perform, make me see the world making sense. I love them very much and they are quite literally helping me become the person I truly want to be. In a place I didn’t want to grow in, I am growing and learning. Through myself, trials, and my friends.

Thursday, September 18, 2008


I smile. I am good at smiling; my smile is literally worth 4 grand. So I smile. When I am down, hurting, struggling, I smile. I ALWAYS smile. People ask numerous times a day “How are you?” the answer is always “GREAT, I AM ALWAYS GREAT!” that is how people see me. GREAT. ALWAYS GREAT. Nobody is always great like seriously nobody. Not even a girl with the most perfect body in the world. The girl I wanna be. The girl who I see and go spend money on a gym pass to be like. Nobody is always great. So why do I say that? Why do people see me as the happiest girl ever? Oh right because I am. Nothing goes wrong in my life. Ever. Is that so? Well I can’t very well be honest, not even to my blog. People read this and they would see the real me. How horrible will it be for somebody to see the real me? Would my world collapse, would they love me the same for having flaws? I am not sure, so I am GREAT, ALWAYS GREAT! J Would all the people who see me out partying and dancing like nobody is watching when really all of Provo has their eyes on me, love me the same, if they saw the flaws I have? The imperfection I try so hard to overcome each day? Would they love me when I am crying in their arms instead of telling them jokes and making them laugh? Would they love me when all the big strong muscles I try so hard to acquire are weak cause I can’t think straight, because I didn’t quite measure up? When they realize I am a fake, a phony, not all I talked myself up to be. Then would they still love me?

Why is smiling easier than showing the real hurting me? Why is responding “GREAT, ALWAYS GREAT!” easier than saying “I’m actually having a hard time, can we talk?” Why is that easier?

Who really knows how to help me when I am down? I am not sure who really does. If you are the person who has experienced me in a depressed state and knows how to help me cope. Tell Kylee. She is so sweet and wants to help but I don’t know how to let her, I don’t know what to tell her to do. I don’t know how to take somebody’s help who wants to help me when I am sad. I don’t know who really gets me.

L J, he gets me. He calls me looking for Patrick’s videos. He knows how to get through a day right, watch Patrick’s videos. He is the one who suggested Patrick and I get married before his mission and honeymoon on his mission, because “Kiki, people do that!” L J, ya, he gets me. Who else.

Broomhiggins? Ya, she gets me. She realizes the important things in life. Fourthmeal, Frugos, Roadtripping to Oceanside, Facebook Videos, Love, Friendship, Soul Mateness. Ya, Broomy gets me. And I love her.

Squeaksies? She learned to get me, she used to not, to her I used to be the idiot who couldn’t do anything, except decently play basketball and make boys want me. She taught me to stand, to grow up and work a credit card. Nikka knows the little things in life that you can’t get through a day without knowing. All the things I didn’t care about. Nikka taught me to be 18. I hate being 18. I choose, 14, or 4, life was easy then.

Elyse? She got me when I was 14, when I didn’t even get myself. {WAIT, I still don’t get myself} She learned to grow up, and so I can too. She taught me the importance of being independence. She never sat me down and really taught me but she lived it and I learned from her experience. She taught me it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to shop away your sorrows. Elyse, got me a long time ago and she gets the future me. Things I don’t get and I am scared to get.

Parentals? They try to get me, bless their hearts they try too. But the problem is, they don’t understand Gilmore Girl talk and they aren’t as pure as L J. (They are amazing, but nobody is as pure as little children) They love me, and that is always enough. They tell me I am the best, their hero, even when I feel like nothing. They tell me the truth, the reality that is painful to hear, but so true. That’s why they are difficult sometimes, because they point out the reality I am trying so hard to hide from. I love them, they made it possible for me to be out on my own and be okay.

There is one person, who is actually near and able to help who gets me. Its somebody who I would not expect to get me, but he does. I don’t think he realize he gets me but he does. My Big Brother. Is perfect, in my eyes. He is one of my hero’s. He never really has to do much or say much, but he just lets me know that he is thinking about me and that helps me so much. I love him. And I am sorry for all those who don’t have a big brother, they are God’s gift to us. That’s why we all have Christ.

I don’t know how these people get me? I don’t even get myself, so maybe they know me better than I know myself. Which is weird. I want to get myself I want to understand, I want to open up to the people who care about me, but for me it’s a hard task, I would rather spend 5 hours at the gym than do that. So I am “GREAT, ALWAYS GREAT!”

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I am Sorry

I’m Sorry.

For all the horrible things I have ever done.

For the people’s heart I have broken, [breakin record, breakin hearts] it’s the motto.

For the stupid people who break my friend’s hearts.

For the boys that hurt my bestsies.

For the distance we face.

For the perfect body I don’t have.

For the weaknesses, that cause me to hurt those I love.

For leaving and going to college.

For letting stupid trivial things come between us.

For loving you too much.

For leaning on you too hard.

For needing you more than I should.

For not being able to breathe in this place and not because of asthma.

For all the things I didn’t say.

For the regrets, I caused myself to have.

For not being enough.

For not being what you need.

For not being pretty, skinny, athletic enough.

For giving up.

For not forgiving when I should.

For not saying no.

For not speaking my mind.

For loving when I should have hated.

For leaving when you needed me the most.

For crying in my bed instead of on your shoulder.

For wanting all the wrong things.

For eating too much, and working out too little.

For eating too little, and working out too much.

For spending too much money, that I don’t have.

For screwing up.

For falling in love at all the wrong times.

For not wearing sensible shoes.

For having big feet.

For shaking my big butt too much.

For borrowing and not returning.

For cheating.

For leading on.

For flirting.

For not measuring up.

For being all you ever wanted but couldn't have.

For being the BEST!

I'm not sorry for being ME!!!!

People [best friends]

In a single day, how many people do we pass? For some people it’s a hundred, others a thousand, some a million, and maybe for some of us, is hundreds of millions. We can never be sure. Out of the hundreds or millions of people we pass by each day and for the most part not acknowledging 96% of them. Why are there always those few people who impact us the most? Why on a planet with over 6 billion people, is there 1 that I wanna be with right now? Why do we choose the inconvenient people? Why can’t my subconscious want to be with my roommate right now? That would be so easy; she is in the bed 5 feet away from me. Why don’t I yearn for her to be near me always? Why isn’t she the person who affects me so greatly? Could it be that way? NO WAY. The people I want are either SOOO close, yet a world away. Trapped in an amazingly stupid brown building with a darker brown roof, learning Spanish. Or the other ones, I need, are accessible. If you have private jet or all the money in the world. They are passing monumental experiences in their lives. College. Breakups. Braces. Missions. High School. And I am here, in an apartment with cinderblock walls that feels like the WACK SHACK. I want to be there with them, I want to hold them and tell them I love them and will always be here no matter what, but I can’t. People come in your life, people step out of your life. Why do important people leave our lives? Why do I look back on my past and have different close friends at different times. Did I need them at that point in my life and now I don’t need them? I want them; I want all the friends I have had over the years, all of the people who hold a special place in my heart.
I left my best friends. Most of them live in the 78613, 78717, or 78681. (And then whatever San Antonio’s zip code is.) Yet one very important one is in 84604. RIGHT where I am. Is that a reason to smile? NO! Cause we cannot forget the brown building… L
Best Friends. They are my backbone, they possess my heart. They are the reason I get out of bed, the reason I continue in a world that makes little sense. I made a new best friend last week. In fact this new best friend has helped me so much. Has impacted my life more than anybody else since I have been here. This best friend helps me continue, they help me wake up and get out of bed. They possess portion of my heart. This mysterious best friend’s name is 24 Hour Fitness. And for a small price of $29.99 a month, they will help me get through; they will help me continue until I can get back to the people who really matter. And the plus about this new friendship is that I get a rockin’ body out of the friendship. I love my best friends. I love them so very much. And I love 24, he [I decided it’s a he] will always be there for me 24 hours a day 7 days a week. He is the BEST.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

frustration from reality TV.

L is for the way you look at me

O is for the only one I see

V is very, very extraordinary

E is even more than anyone that you can adore

we've alll heard the song. we alll think its cute and adorable. but its not always that way. some people can't have their cake and eat it too. What about the rest of the 24 guys that were in love but got their hearts broken. What about them? Was hurting alll those people worth finding your "soul mate". These are the question I pose to DeAnna the most recent Bachelorette.

Being the sappy person I am, I am a sucker for a good love story or song. And this show really gets me. My emotions run high as she sends many sexy guys home.. Sometimes I don't understand it all.

Through watching her choose somebody who is fun, but leaving behind somebody who is perfect for her. I finally realized how fake it alll is. Chris Harrison, don't we all just love him and his oh so famous line "In the most shocking rose ceremony ever". let me guess, she'll send home a guy or two, maybe shed a few tears. predictable. BIG SHOCKER CHRIS!

Or the fact the DeAnna or whoever the one coming to find "true love" is, has the most difficult decision. And she has much inner conflict with herself. Strong Emotions are hit and she cries alot, as she ask herself How can I make this tough decison I am in LOVE with 2 different guys.

(before continuing, I hit the pause button on the remote.. to have a chat with DeAnna... we all have difficult decisions sweeetheart.. I mean chelllo I have to pick a college to go too. Don't come cryin to me cause you have to choose between 2 sexy men. I would trade decisions with you any day) PLAY

BUT THEN... (the plot thickens...)

She chooses. WOW..and we go back to Chris Harrison and he asks her when did you know?

her answer...."When he got out of the Limo that first night!

my question to the producers of the Bachelorette and the Chris Harrison, is this. WHY DID YOU DO THE SHOW? why did you put Jason the amazing guy with a 3 year old son down a road leading to heartache and misery? Why did you allow Graham to flaunt around with no shirt on, and taunt every women everywhere? WHY.

the fakeness of this "reality" TV show hit me today. sure I believe there are strong emotions involved. Im not doggin the bachelors who come and put aside their life for love. but lets be real... how much is love and how much is money and fame..
but i will continue to watch and be a sap and ask the same questions.